Well, happy new year! Should ‘happy new year’ be capitalized? I don’t know! Happy New Year!

I spent a lot of time reflecting over the turn of the year. As I was kicking everyone’s asses in a New Year’s Eve party bout of Wii boxing (seriously I was like a misshapen Rocky – oh wait, that‘s kind of redundant), I was thinking about the challenges humanity faces in 2009. I like lists (they organize me) so let’s make a list of said challenges!:

  1. Global Warming
  2. Terrorism
  3. Economy
  4. Other Stuff

I’m proud to say I came up with solutions to the problems listed above. These solutions all depend on one crucial fulcrum: Teaching your baby to swim.

Watch this video on oceanic babies. It’s vital and awesome. And just a tad creepy in a maritime pedophile way:

If we can teach infants to swim, we can teach them to hold and shoot harpoon guns and missiles. Time for another list:

  1. Aquatic Baby Army =  Oceanic Borders safe from terrorists = NO terrorism
  2. Aquatic Baby Army = Perfect Pirates = Gold and plunder = More money for everyone = Economy set to Awesome
  3. Aquatic Baby Army = More time in the water =  Evolutionary Gill Growth =  Future generations safe from rising shorelines =  Kevin Costner was right all along =  Damn you Costner
  4. Aquatic Baby Army = Other Stuff disappears = Up yours Costner

Resolve to raise a buoyant baby this year. Our futures depend on it. And dammit, I want gills.

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