Aquatic Domination Inevitable

February 20, 2009

Damn am I good or what? Remember when I wrote about the absolute necessity of teaching your baby to swim because Namor and Aquaman just might decide to fuck our land lubbing selves up?

Well, shit. I hope you started weaning your little ones off the floaters because according to Google Maps, Atlantis is fo’  teh realz.

Atlantis as Seen By Google Maps

Atlantis as Seen By Google Maps

Sure Google might say these are “boat mapping lines” – but I know they’re just covering it up until negotiations to move their new marketing team’s HQ into the Sub Mariner’s old laundry room reach a conclusion. I, for one, welcome our aquatic overlords and I encourage you to as well. Our aquatic baby army doesn’t stand a chance. The real lesson in all this is to listen to me always and unconditionally. For I am right.

We're Screwed

We're Screwed

In the Event Namor and Aquaman Choose to Destroy Us

January 2, 2009

Well, happy new year! Should ‘happy new year’ be capitalized? I don’t know! Happy New Year!

I spent a lot of time reflecting over the turn of the year. As I was kicking everyone’s asses in a New Year’s Eve party bout of Wii boxing (seriously I was like a misshapen Rocky – oh wait, that‘s kind of redundant), I was thinking about the challenges humanity faces in 2009. I like lists (they organize me) so let’s make a list of said challenges!:

  1. Global Warming
  2. Terrorism
  3. Economy
  4. Other Stuff

I’m proud to say I came up with solutions to the problems listed above. These solutions all depend on one crucial fulcrum: Teaching your baby to swim.

Watch this video on oceanic babies. It’s vital and awesome. And just a tad creepy in a maritime pedophile way:

If we can teach infants to swim, we can teach them to hold and shoot harpoon guns and missiles. Time for another list:

  1. Aquatic Baby Army =  Oceanic Borders safe from terrorists = NO terrorism
  2. Aquatic Baby Army = Perfect Pirates = Gold and plunder = More money for everyone = Economy set to Awesome
  3. Aquatic Baby Army = More time in the water =  Evolutionary Gill Growth =  Future generations safe from rising shorelines =  Kevin Costner was right all along =  Damn you Costner
  4. Aquatic Baby Army = Other Stuff disappears = Up yours Costner

Resolve to raise a buoyant baby this year. Our futures depend on it. And dammit, I want gills.