Pheroze

Most of you know that I am a huge fan of Dolph Lundgren – but holywhattheshitthisistooawesometobetruebutit’struelifenever

ceasestoamazefuckingtooawesomeforthespacebar!!!!111!!!1

Apparently armed thieves broke into his house, tied up his wife and forced her to give them cash and jewelry- now that’s not cool at all, but this is:  They fled as soon as they saw a picture of Dolph Lundgren in the house because they did not realize they were messing with Dolph Lundgren and they know, as you all should, DOLPH LUNDGREN DOES NOT FUCK AROUND! Read the whole deal here.

Seriously, Dolph Lundgren would be a ninja except he’s too fucking big (6’5″) and smart (160 IQ) to be a ninja – he’d hire a ninja to mow his lawn while he cured Swine Flu by punching it into submission and creating a vaccine out of it’s flu-tears.

I know I’m throwing out all my priceless antique art and portraits of Tony Danza and putting up only pictures of Dolph Lundgren around. Sorry girlfriend, Dolph’s picture keeps my wallet and cubicle safer than you do. Hell I’m gonna put another picture of him on this website so no one spams me or sends me a virus.

See? I feel safer already.

Damn. My psychic powers are on a roll! Schwarzenegger is confirmed to appear in Stallone’s who’s who of 80′s kickassery.

Arnold will be stretching his acting chops by playing the governor of California.

Stallone and Arnold BFF

I kind of called this when I first heard of this flick. Now as for Van Damme, it seems he was offered the role but turned it down because Stallone wouldn’t tell him about the character. What the shit? It’s a movie directed and written by Sylvester Stallone, starring Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Forest Whitaker and Eric Roberts and he’s expecting a fleshed out character? I think JCVD’s art flick feel went to his head.

Van Damme, all we want you to do is kick people, then jump in the air and kick people some more. Maybe pull off a one-liner like “want to play footsie” or some shit. But we don’t need to see you emote. On the other hand, you are making Bloodsport 2, so all is mostly forgiven.

Hands down my favorite movie of the year was Rambo. It was amazing. When someone asks me to describe it, I can only relate the experience of watching Rambo for the first time to punching yourself in the face with a unicorn horn that’s been shaped into the form of Sylvester Stallone’s fist dipped in chocolate and breast milk.

Seriously, it’s that good.

Dolph Lundgren Throws Down

I’ve been wondering how Stallone could top Rambo (Rambo 4 for the uninitiated). And when I first heard news of his next project, The Expendables, I thought it was a good step towards the unconquerable, but not quite there. Even if he is directing, starring and bringing on Jason Statham and Jet Li. Good, but not Rambo good. Not “rip your throat out with my bare hands” good.

Then I read this today. Wow. Having Lundgren in there changes the game. Look at him about throw down in his suit. He’s smiling. An evil maniacal smile. While wearing a bracelet made of beads. Lundgren is into bead work?

So… who’s next? Schwarzenegger and Van Damme?

Alright, I gotta go drink milk before this movie comes out.