Well, happy new year! Should ‘happy new year’ be capitalized? I don’t know! Happy New Year!
I spent a lot of time reflecting over the turn of the year. As I was kicking everyone’s asses in a New Year’s Eve party bout of Wii boxing (seriously I was like a misshapen Rocky – oh wait, that‘s kind of redundant), I was thinking about the challenges humanity faces in 2009. I like lists (they organize me) so let’s make a list of said challenges!:
- Global Warming
- Terrorism
- Economy
- Other Stuff
I’m proud to say I came up with solutions to the problems listed above. These solutions all depend on one crucial fulcrum: Teaching your baby to swim.
Watch this video on oceanic babies. It’s vital and awesome. And just a tad creepy in a maritime pedophile way:
If we can teach infants to swim, we can teach them to hold and shoot harpoon guns and missiles. Time for another list:
- Aquatic Baby Army = Oceanic Borders safe from terrorists = NO terrorism
- Aquatic Baby Army = Perfect Pirates = Gold and plunder = More money for everyone = Economy set to Awesome
- Aquatic Baby Army = More time in the water = Evolutionary Gill Growth = Future generations safe from rising shorelines = Kevin Costner was right all along = Damn you Costner
- Aquatic Baby Army = Other Stuff disappears = Up yours Costner
Resolve to raise a buoyant baby this year. Our futures depend on it. And dammit, I want gills.
